Some flowers are scarier to me than others. Poinsettias and easter lilies, for example, seem much more aggressive and sinister. This is unfortunate, since I work in a church where those two seasonal flowers are unavoidable. Several years ago I came in to work the day after Easter and someone had very thoughtfully placed a 2 foot tall easter lily in the middle of my desk. I opened the door and turned the light on and screamed like there was an axe murder coming at me.
Normally I would ask the sexton to help me out, knowing that it would cost me endless teasing and a chapter in his future bestseller about all the crazy stuff he’s seen in his 30+ years of working there. But he was gone that day. The business manager was my second choice, but he was getting his teeth cleaned. The pastors were taking a much needed break after a very busy Holy Week so it was just me and the easter lily, at an impasse.
I paced outside my office for 15 minutes trying and failing to find the courage to go in and move it a safe distance away. Several times I got as far as opening the door again, but being trapped in that little space with such an evil plant was impossible so I always closed the door and backed away. Knowing that I wouldn’t have help for at least another hour but not wanting to be useless until then I went into the food closet and grabbed a paper grocery bag.
I opened the bag. I opened the door. I looked at the ceiling to stay oriented and slowly moved in the direction of my desk. When I got close enough, I put the bag over the flower and ran out to the hallway again, heart racing, feeling like a fool. I gave myself one minute to restore my sanity then opened the door again. Looked at the ceiling. Inched toward the desk. With arms stretched as far away from me as possible I grabbed the base of the pot/vase/thing and moved the offending flower-in-a-bag to the little table in the corner of the room as quickly as possible then backed into the hallway once more.
I did make it to my desk to sit down and turn on my computer that day, but I was completely unproductive until someone arrived to take the easter lily away. I would like to say there were no questions asked but a paper bag over a flower begs to be explained so I revealed my foolishness to a helpful church member. That was the last time anyone put flowers on my desk, thank goodness!